Turning your team's parents into allies.
I love when I get the opportunity to talk shop with other coaches.
There is nothing more energizing than connecting with people who are passionate about sports. Sharing stories with coaches who are dedciated to holistically developing their athletes gets me excited to coach.
The past few years these discussions have increasingly focused on the challenges that coaches are facing. Burnout has become a large problem and many coaches are walking away from what was once their passion.
I find fewer and fewer familiar faces on the sidelines each season.
There are many reasons for this. Coaching is hard. For most in my world, it is a volunteer position. The hoops coaches have to jump through and the headaches are growing. For some, it outweighs the positives of donating their time.
Managing relationships with parents is one of the challenges that has adds to the burden.
It is really important to acknwoledge that most parents we deal with are supportive. However, the minority cast a long shadow over the majority.
The helicopter parent has been replaced by the bulldozer parent.
They try to remove all obstacles from their child's way and challenge coaches on everything that they perceive as unjust or not beneficial to their child.
This includes things like team composition, substitutions, playing time, strategic opportunities all generally under the guise of fairness and equity.
I was talking to a colleague yesterday who is coaching her son's U-7 flag football coach. She has received multiple emails from a parent who is unhappy about her sons playing time and uses a watch to keep track of the time he is on the field. Having not received the answer she wants from the coach, the mother has taken to Facebook to disperage the coach and highlight her greivances.
I have watched U-7 Flag Football. The kids have a blast, some of them spend their time doing cartwheels, sitting in the grass and having fun. I cannot imagine being a parent and finding a way to complain.
This parent needs to realize that they are actually doing their child a diservice. Frankly, I would refund the child's registration and tell them not to register in the future.
The only one who loses out is the kid.
In the future this child will be the last one assigned to a team every season. No coach wants their name dragged through the mud on social media or to deal with people who are looking to complain.
If I asked you for your worst experience with a parent I can't imagine all of the craziness that would be shared.
This issue exists at all levels. I was recently visiting with a staff member of an NBA team who talked about how much time they spend dealing with parents. They have tried to proactively handle the issue by assigning a staff member to liase with parents.
I am not sure why this surprised me, but it did. The reality is the stakes at that level are huge. When the reward is multi-generational wealth, of course family will be invested.
The good news is that there are a few things we can all do to help prevent the train of parent craziness from picking up speed.
If you have been blessed with children of your own it is a little easier to understand where parents are coming from. Even the most extreme parent loves their child and wants the best for them.
Some parents have a hard time effectively assessing their child's skill and talent level. This is natural but it does not make things easier for coaches.
Lastly, they are also unlikely to look at what is best for the team especially when that does not align with what is best for their child.
The good news is that four simple preventative actions can help get parents on your side and ease the headaches they can cause.
- Share your Coaching philosophy
In issue #51 I explored the importance and benefit of creating a coaching philosophy. If you missed it you can read it here.
Commiting your philosophy to paper is an important step but sharing that with your parents and athletes brings it to life. It is the focal point of my parent meeting. My goal is for parents to leave the meeting with a crystal clear understanding of what I want for their children. I want them to know that my goal is the holistic development of their sons. I explain how our coach staff is planning to meet this goal and what I need from them to help that process.
This has been effective first step for me over the last decade. The important part of this process is authenticity. It is one thing for our staff to talk about the importance of holistic development but it requires us to follow through on it. If we fail to do deliver on we have outlined we lose all credibility.
2. Invest in relationships with Parents
Do you know all of your parents by name? What do they do for a living? What is their history with your sport?
The more you are able to relate to them as humans the less likely you will have conflict with them. Take time to get to know the parents of your athletes.
Be curious, ask lots of questions. What are they hoping their child gets out of their time on your team?
I know this can be challenging depending on the age of your athletes. I don't always see the parents of my athletes, they are never at practice and some don't attend games regularly.
But when you have the opportunity, connect with them. Even being on first name basis with them can help take the air out of a confrontation.
3. Create opportunities for parents to get involved.
One of the NHL's best traditions is the parents road trip. Each year on one road trip NHL clubs invite (and pay for) the fathers or mothers (it alternates each year) of their players to join their sons. They are treated to first-class travel, food, and sightseeing and are treated like roaylty by the team. Parents love this, it is a wonderful way to see what their son's get to experience as they travel around North America.
If your program is like mine you probably, don't have money to bankroll this kind of experience for your team's parents. But I am sure you can create some version of this experience even if your parents had to share in the expense. Having them join their children on the bus, participate in team meals, stay in the same hotel, and sit in on team talks etc. This could be a very memorable experience for both the parent and athlete.
Other examples of opportunities to involve parents that I have heard of include inviting parents to participate in training that is run by the players (insure you have insuarnace coverage).
A social night or a potluck is also a great chance to help parents establish a connection with the coaches. I have found that giving this structure or a theme is more effective. For example, a scavenger hunt that requires them to answer questions about athletes and families.
4. Establish clear boundaries and expectations.
The last step is the most important but will be made far more effective with the previous three.
Well-established boundaries create a buffer to allow space for both parents and coaches and encourages more healthy dialogue.
The 24 hour rule is an important staple of a healthy coach parent relationship. Any conversation between a coach and parent regarding the game cannot takeplace until 24 hours has passed.
There is nothing positive that comes from a post game conversation between and emotionally charged parent and a coach still full of adrenaline.
Another key component is establishing clear expectations on how you expect parents to behave.
The Canadian Centre for Ethics in Sport has created the following contract that they are encouraging schools and youth sporting organizations to have parents sign. You can download it here Parent Contract .docx
I am not sure it is exactly what I would use with my parents but there are certainly important points that I do stress with parents. I think one of the biggest problems is when parents (or coaches) blame things on the referees. This turns our athletes into victims and teaches them to look for excuses instead of exploring why they lost.
Regardless of which strategies you employ it is really important to invest in your relationships with parents to help alleviate one of the biggest headaches driving coaches out of coaching.
Recommended Resources
Books
The Sport Parent Solution- J.P Nerbun
The Champion Sports Parent - Jerry Lynch, John O'Sullivan
Podcasts
Both the Way of Champions Podcast and the Coaching Culture Podcast have many episodes dedicated to navigating the world of sports parents
Let's work together.
I would love to help you or your team build a competitive advantage. Here are a few ways I can help:
- Consult with your team
- Teach mental skills via Zoom
- Work 1 on 1 with coaches
- Work 1 on 1 with athletes
Shoot me an email I love to talk coaching and see how I can help you.
Coaching is hard, let's make it easier.
Send me an email at jasonpayne@evolutionmpc.com
Thanks for reading and have a great week.