The Version of You That Athletes See That You Don’t

Issue 148- Jason Payne, CMPC

Somewhere around my tenth or eleventh year of coaching, an athlete of mine told me something that was hard to hear, but true. Fortunately, it has shaped my coaching ever since.

He was a senior. Our program was struggling that season. It was late February, and his career was winding down. We had a practice coming up in an hour. He was hanging around the office after his class, and casually he said that, as the season progressed, his teammates spent the first ten minutes of every practice trying to figure out which version of me had shown up that day.

The one they liked, or the grumpier, pricklier version. And the later in season it was, the more likely it was the grumpier version.

It stopped me in my tracks. I am not sure how casual the conversation actually was, but I was grateful for it. I think he really wanted to give me some valuable feedback, but it certainly stung to hear. He left, and I spent the rest of the hour prior to practice reflecting. His feedback did not align with the version of me I had in my mind. I didn't know that my players had been running a small emotional weather report at the start of every practice for the entire season. I certainly did not know that they had developed a language for the two versions of me.

They were able to see a version of me that I was not really even aware of.

I have thought about that conversation a lot in the fifteen years since. Not because it was a unique problem. Quite the opposite, because it wasn't. Almost every coach I have worked with as a mental performance consultant, when I have asked the right question, has eventually described the same pattern in some form. Their athletes see a truer reflection of who they are than they do. And by the time an athlete is willing to name it out loud, the pattern has usually been running for months.

The research on this has a name. Burnout.

The Three Warning Signs

Christina Maslach, a UC Berkeley psychologist, spent decades studying burnout in helping professions. Nurses. Teachers. Social workers. The pattern she documented has become the foundation for how burnout is measured across every field that involves emotional labour. Coaching is one of them.

Maslach identified three warning signs. Any coach, in any sport, at any level, can use them to run a self-diagnostic. And here is the piece most coaches do not know until they read the research: your athletes will see each of the three signs before you do.

Emotional exhaustion.

You describe it as tired. As stretched thin. As having no gas left in the tank on Tuesday when practice is looming. As a Sunday afternoon that feels less like recovery and more like bracing for the week's avalanche of headaches.

What your athletes read is different. They read the delay in your feedback. The look on your face during walk-throughs. The way you sit down between drills when you used to stay standing. The tone of the corrections you gave in October versus later in the season. They do not have the language for it, but they see the change.

Depersonalization.

This is the one most coaches don't want to say out loud, because it feels most like a moral failure. Depersonalization is when the people you serve start to become a problem you have to manage rather than the humans you love to develop. It is not that you have stopped caring. It is that the exhaustion is driving your behaviour.

You describe it as this player is being difficult again when a year ago you would have described the same player as going through something. You describe it as I do not have the energy for this conversation right now. You notice, briefly, that you are relieved when a specific athlete misses practice.

What your athletes read is different. They read the shorter check-ins. The eye contact that used to land and now flicks past. The tone that used to include them and now sounds like it is managing them.

Diminished personal accomplishment.

This is the quiet one. It is not the fatigue, and it is not the emotional distance. It is the growing sense that what you are doing does not matter as much as it used to. That the work has stopped moving the needle. That you are running the same practice you have always run, and something has quietly gone out of it.

You describe it as going through the motions. As I am not sure this is working anymore. As a hollowness after games that used to feel like pride and accomplishment.

What your athletes read is different. They read the practice that has stopped being creative. The Xs and Os that never change. The half-time speech that used to catch fire and now feels rehearsed. The sense that the coach is present physically but has quietly checked out somewhere else.

What This Adds Up To

Any one of the three, briefly, is normal. Every coach has a bad stretch. Every coach has a spot where the emotional weight is heavier than the schedule allows. That is not burnout. That is coaching.

Burnout is when the three warning signs start to compound. Emotional exhaustion drains the well. Depersonalization erodes the relationships that used to refill it. Diminished accomplishment removes the meaning that used to make the drain worth it. Once all three are running together, the trajectory goes downhill fast, and your athletes are reading every step of it while you are still telling yourself you just need to make it to spring break.

Three Questions To Sit With

Not this weekend. Not in some future off-season. This week.

One. Where in your last two months of coaching have you felt emotionally exhausted in a way that did not allow for recovery on a normal weekend? Name the specific moments. The number of them is your first data point.

Two. Is there an athlete on your current roster you have started thinking about as a problem rather than as a person? Not one you are frustrated with in a normal way. One whose presence you have found yourself quietly dreading. If yes, that is your depersonalization data point.

Three. When was the last time you finished a practice or a game and thought that was good coaching, and it moved something specific for one of my athletes? If you cannot remember, that is your diminished-accomplishment data point.

Then Ask Two Athletes

This part is harder than it sounds.

Pick two athletes you trust. Not the two you are closest to. Two who have played for you long enough to see the arc. Ask them, in whatever language fits, whether they have noticed a change in you over the last few months (or the course of the season, if it is outside the season). Then do not defend. Do not explain. Do not add context.

Listen.

Whatever they tell you is data. Especially the parts that surprise you. Especially the parts that hurt.

The version of you your athletes have been seeing is the version that is going to shape the next season, unless you name it and change it now. The last third of the season is always where this shows up. Don't wait; now is when the work starts. The payoff is energy and understanding when the season gets hard.

If what you hear back from your athletes is harder than you expected, you are not alone in that. It is a pattern I have watched hundreds of coaches walk through. And it is why I have spent the last year writing a book about how to build the kind of coaching career that does not consume the person with the whistle and the clipboard.

More on that next week.

Are you or your athletes struggling to be their best?

Let's find a solution together.

I help coaches thrive.

As a Certified Mental Performance Consultant and a basketball coach with over 25 years of experience, I understand the barriers to peak performance for both you and your athletes.

I would love to help you or your team build a competitive advantage.

Here are a few ways I can help:

• Consult with your team or coaching staff
• Teach mental skills to your team via Zoom
• Work 1-on-1 with coaches
• Work 1-on-1 with athletes

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If you’re feeling the weight of expectations, pressure, or burnout, you don’t have to figure this out alone.

A discovery call is simply a chance to talk through your season, your goals, and your process with another coach who’s been there. No pitch. No obligation. Just a meaningful conversation.

Schedule a discovery call here.

Shoot me an email at jasonpayne@evolutionmpc.com. I love talking about coaching and seeing how I can help you.

Coaching is hard; let's make it easier.

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Thanks for reading, and have a great week.